A Floridian's Guide To Not Dying During Hurricane Sandy

A Floridian’s Guide To Not Dying During Hurricane Sandy

Or, WHAT TO BUY FROM THE BODEGA NOW THAT YOU WAITED SO LONG PREPARE: Some Tips On How Not To Get Completely Fucked

I lived 22 years in Florida. I pretty much learned to drive amidst heavy hail, raging thunderstorms and suffocating Republican mindsets. I’ve got this shit—and lucky for you, too, cuz now I’m gonna help you not die during Frankenstorm.

It’s not ridiculous to assume a few of you managed to not prep your rickety apartment for Sandy. Although the MTA is now officially and completely down, your local bodega probably ain’t.

So let’s do this, eh?

OK, if this is your first hurricane and you’ve never spent much time watching movies/reading, know that extreme weather often deadens electricity. Keep this in mind when shopping for food/beer.

Things You Should Probably Consider Buying:
›› PEANUT BUTTER: No refrigeration required and totally OK on its own. Plan on one jar per person.
›› LIGHTERS: For candles and other fun things. These are better than matches because they’re not as persnickety after inevitable hurricane tea (“beer”) spills.
›› NON-REFRIGERATED BEER: Just keep it by your window to stay cool—if you buy it cold to start with, it could skunk and although you’d of course drink it away (we are not wasteful people, right, readers?), you really shouldn’t punish future you with such an easily-avoided rookie mistake.
›› CANDLES: OK, so you probably already have flashlights but these are sexy and hopefully you have a hurricane boy/girlfriend handy for entertainment should the power/Netflix go on strike. Avoid the particularly odiferous ones for your own sake. PRO TIP: If you buy the smallish “emergency” candles, they fit perfectly into empty beer bottles—you green minx, you!
›› SHOWER CLEANER & STEEL WOOL: Time to get stoned and clean your bathtub! Most non-Floridians make the expensive, silly mistake of loading up on gallons and gallons of water pre-storm. There’s no need unless you are an all-frills wuss. Let’s be honest with ourselves, you probably haven’t scrubbed your shower since you even moved in. Scrape the scum from your tub and after all the roomies shower, fill it with water. Even if you don’t want to drink it if the water cuts out, you can use it to flush all the beer pee in the toilet. You can also fill pots and bowls with tap.
›› A FEW CANNED FOOD ITEMS: Find the two least offensive ones available at your bodega and get ‘em.
›› PEPPERMINTS: Mice/rats hate them so it’s not a horrible idea to snap open a tin of Altoids and leave them by your door. The critters are gonna be running amok looking for shelter during Frankenstorm. Don’t let them hang in yours rent-free—there’s not enough Tecate to go around.
›› BABY WIPES: Shower power. Don’t entice your hurricane boy/girlfriend to seek other storm screwing opportunities and try to remain relatively fresh.
›› TOILET PAPER: The end.

Things You Really Don’t Actually Need:
›› JUGS OF WATER: See above, you skipper-arounder.
›› BATTERIES: Seriously, what do you even own that is battery-powered and not in junction with something else requiring electricity? Save your vibrator. OK, maybe you need batteries after all.
›› INSANE AMOUNTS OF CANNED FOOD: Maybe a few of black beans should do.

Other Things You Should Probably Do:
›› CHARGE ALL YOUR SHIT: Make sure you especially get your iPod/MP3 player up to full power—that way you can hit play, drop it in a bowl to project and groove out the dark purple clouds. Try not to fiddle around too long on Instagram etc. once you fully juice up your phone. It’s not likely power could be out in NYC too long, but, you don’t want to feel like an asshole if it is and your phone is dead dead dead because you got zealous with all your GD tweets.
›› BOIL UP A MASSIVE LOAD OF GRAINS: Something like rice or quinoa so you can use it as a base with other various canned foods you hopefully already have. Also, COOK ALL THE POSSIBLY STINKY FROZEN FOOD YOU HAVE and eat your fucking heart out—you have my permission. If the electricity cuts out, you’ll be in the dark and it will be an unsavory smell.
›› SHOWER—LIKE, RIGHT NOW: For God’s sake. It’s not really safe to shower if it’s lightning-ing outside a lot.
›› UNPLUG YOUR SHIT: If the thunder and lightning really start popping off, protect your shit by unplugging everything you can. Also, TURN OFF THE WIFI ON YOUR PHONE. It helps preserve power.
›› FIND SOME BOOKS: Take some aspirin and chill the fuck out. We’ll all be at work tomorrow and by this time next week, today’s pseudo-summer camp daydrinking fiesta will all be water cooler chatter. Whatever whatever. We’ll all be OK.